"So, of course, I decided I could never go back."

Photo by Czerrysh Ann from Pexels

A few years ago, I attended The Outer Dark Symposium in Atlanta, GA. Due to a chronic illness, I’d recently started using walking poles to help me keep my balance and I was intensely aware that it made me different than everyone else.

“I’m sorry” became my catchphrase. Oops, you’re walking by me. I’m sorry. Oh, you’re waiting in line, too. I’m sorry. Oh, you tripped way over there across the room. I’m sorry. If I could’ve breathed apologetically, I would’ve. The only thing I shoul’dve apologized for—and did—was when I accidentally bopped a well-known author on the head with one of my poles.

Did I mention I was socially awkward?

I was humiliated, and the poor author, she didn’t ask to be looped into my awkwardness, and yet there she was, a victim of a shuffle-by assault.

It was painful, for both of us.

So, of course, I decided I could never go back.

I’ve always admired those who stand out, fuck up, fall down, and get back up again. That takes strength and resilience, and though I sometimes have trouble getting back up, I can definitely relate to the falling down.

So, this week’s inspirations are two women whose art is both bold and unapologetic.

Nadia Lee Cohen

Nadia Lee Cohen is a photographer, filmmaker, and self-portrait artist. I first came across her work in Messy Nessy Chic, and instantly fell in love. Cohen’s images are often featured in commercials and fashion campaigns, but there’s nothing mundane about her work. Her photography transports you, not only to a different world, but a different time. The images are full-saturated visual narratives that are both captivating and unsettling. They lend themselves well to a noir aesthetic, especially what I think of as California Noir. There’s a glamourous façade that accentuates the surreal, other worldliness of the scene.

I need to construct a non-virtual mood board, just so I can stare at it off and on throughout the day.

Fair warning: her work contains some NSFW images.

Mary Gaitskill

My second inspiration comes from author Mary Gaitskill. Her story, “Romantic Weekend” is often anthologized and her story, “Secretary” was made into a movie by the same name, but it’s “Daisy’s Valentine,” the first story in her collection Bad Behavior that keeps haunting me.

Gaitskill’s work is full of wonderful details. She renders both the settings and the characters so realistically that I not only feel like I know these characters, but I’ve been to those places. They’re uncomfortable places, but I want to go back, to sit in that space, again and again. I want to watch the clerical pool in that morose bookstore with its gray shelves and rat droppings, and I want to sit and eat a salad with a perfect wet radish with Diane in her apartment. By the end of the story, I am equally exasperated and broken-hearted over Daisy.

There’s no flinching, no pulling back from that discomfort, nor from the truth they reveal. From the 70s interplanetary California Noir aesthetic of Nadia Lee Cohen to the gritty peculiarities of Gaitskill’s characters, these are the elements that I want to incorporate into my work, and maybe even into my life, on some level. I aim to make my art unapologetically, to put myself out there in all of my weird and wonderful glory. To say, I’m here, and yes, I am taking up this space, and I won’t feel bad about that.

These are my inspirations.

And, just to be clear, everyone at The Outer Dark Symposium was wonderful. I couldn’t have asked for a better group. 10 of 10 would recommend.